Have you ever told a young boy it’s time to turn off his video game and he responds with anger or yelling? It is a scenario many families have seen over and over. We talked with Lena Pope family therapist, Kent Bass, LPC about trends he’s seeing with reports from caregivers of anger and impulse control, specifically for young boys, and what might be behind those behaviors. June is men’s health month and we are focusing on nurturing boys who will become men.
“A number of the boys I’ve seen with reports from their caregivers of anger or impulsivity are spending a lot of time on gaming systems,” Kent shared. “Some boys are so into gaming that they haven’t learned how to deal with their emotions as much as they used to. Then, when they’re told no or it’s time to put up your system, they can’t handle those feelings of disappointment or frustration and they respond quickly with anger.” Face to face interaction and free play are so important for kids to learn communication and social skills. Too much screen time can get in the way of developing those skills. Unfortunately, when kids or adults don’t have constructive ways to deal with their anger or emotions, they often choose destructive behaviors.
“When I’m working with a client showing anger or impulsivity issues, we talk about self-control skills and relaxation skills. My goal is to help boys learn how to calm themselves down and think about the consequences of their actions,” said Kent.
Trauma may also be a reason a child is showing anger or lack of impulse control. Trauma is a stressful or frightening event that is difficult to cope with or a situation out of our control. Sometimes trauma is a one-time event, and other times it’s ongoing. “Many families try to resolve the trauma they know their child has experienced. But sometimes they need additional skills to help their child heal,” Kent said. No parent or caregiver knows exactly what to do all the time, but we can all learn new skills to help us support kids in better ways.
Tips to create new patterns around screen time
Take a minute to explain so they understand
Being a parent is overwhelming. And when you add in stress about finances, relationships, jobs, etc., it can be tough to remember to take a minute and try to explain things to kids in a way they understand. Even a few minutes to help a child understand why they need to turn their game off so you can leave on time is beneficial to helping them see the cause and effect.
Time together
“I ask my clients, do you play with your family? Often they say no because the adults are too busy,” Kent said. As adults, we can forget how important playing a game or doing an activity with kids is to them. They need that time to connect with us, even if it’s 30 minutes a day.
Kids need praise
Remember to praise your child, recognize the good and point that out to them. Often, we only tell kids what they’re doing wrong and forget to praise them and tell them what they’re doing right. For example, “you are so helpful, thank you for picking up your room.” Kent reminds us if the only message your kids are hearing is negative, like “you’re so mad all the time or you need to calm down”, then they will start to believe that is all they are.
Stay calm as the adult
Try to remain calm. If you know you are going to say something that will upset your child, take your time. If you start trying to remain calm in arguments, kids will notice that change.
Consistency is important. Kids need boundaries, structure, and consistency in their environment and from their caregivers to know what to expect and to feel safe.
Create boundaries around games
Gaming systems can be a great tool for connection, or a way for kids to have fun. Games are convenient and it can seem like an easy way for parents to keep the kids busy so they can accomplish some tasks, but over time more exposure takes a toll on kids. How do you manage a kids desire to play games and the need to keep them safe?
Set a total time limit: “I recommend 1 hour a day or less,” Kent said. “Some families have rules where all chores and homework must be done before any games can be played.”
Keep games in a common area: So many games, even games like Minecraft and Fortnite, have pop-up ads or materials that are not age-appropriate. Keeping a game system in a common area allows you to monitor what’s on the screen and what times of day (or night) kids might be playing games.
Set up parental controls: Talk with kids about what’s ok and what’s not ok to do on their game system. Check out Protect Young Eyes website for steps on how to find parental controls for different apps and devices.
Talk content: “Boys are already inclined to more physical types of play and the content of games can influence their behavior,” Kent cautioned. If kids play games that highlight a lot of fighting or violence you can expect their behavior to start to reflect that type of aggression.
It can feel overwhelming to think about nurturing boys who will grow into men and caring for their physical, mental, and emotional health! Remember, it’s never too late. You can make small changes today. Change takes time. And it takes repetition and consistency. Kent told us he is most encouraged when he hears a family has made a boundary around gaming or the child reports they did an activity with their family that week. “That shows me the caregivers are trying, they’re open to doing new things, and I’m proud to see their efforts to create new patterns for their family,” Kent said.
Our kids and our families are worth the effort it takes to create new patterns. Lena Pope is here to help. We hope these tips help as you think about men’s health month and equipping the young men in your life with a strong foundation.