Have you ever felt like the kids in your life don’t hear anything you say? Or have you heard a teenager say something like “I already know what they’re going to say so I’m not going to even bring it up.” Connecting with your family and building open lines of communication is tough, and sometimes it feels impossible. We know feeling connected to others and having a safe space to share thoughts and feelings are key factors in reducing the risk of suicidal ideation. September is Suicide Prevention Month, and we want to focus on how we create a sense of connection and belonging with those around us. It’s ok to not be ok and having open and honest conversations is a great way to ensure others feel comfortable talking about how they are really feeling. We asked Lena Pope Family Therapist, Paola Gordillo, LPC, LCDC, about how she helps her clients create connection and open communication.
Paola mentioned for some of the families she works with it can be tough to ask questions out loud about suicide. “As a parent it can be hard to ask directly if they’ve had any suicidal thoughts, and I’ve had parents tell me they want to ask when they notice changes but can’t get themselves to say it out loud,” Paola shared. In those situations, she has the family practice and roleplay the conversation. Paola will act as the child and have the caregiver ask questions to get more comfortable with the situation. “I’ve also talked with youth about how to have conversations with their caregiver about how they are doing and practicing those conversations together has helped them feel more equipped to start that conversation,” said Paola.
Open communication
As people, having someone to talk to helps us feel connected to those around us. Sometimes it can feel like we don’t hear each other and you’re not making any progress when you try to talk to each other. Paola shared a few practical activities she does with families to help create open communication.
Start a High/Low/HaHa sharing time to talk about a high or good part of the day, a low or bad part of the day, and a haha or something that made you laugh. This can be a great way to check in and provide everyone time to talk about how they are doing and what happened today. Paola encourages families to do this check in at regular time like during dinner, in the car, or at bedtime. The conversation may feel small, but it makes a big difference in our sense of connection. “I often encourage my clients who don’t have parents around to reach out to a friend or aunt or uncle and talk with them about their day. The most important part is having someone you can talk with about how you are doing each day. That helps us feel connected to others,” Paola shared
Practice active listening
Use a few general questions, ‘what did you do today?’, or ‘what did you think about that movie?’. Then you’ll take turns sharing your thoughts and opinions together for one minute. Afterwards, the listener will give a summary of what the speaker shared using the speaker’s words. This time is not used for giving advice or opinions, but instead making sure you understood what the speaker said and meant during their time. At the end you can ask, ‘did I miss anything important?’ Then you switch and the other person practices listening. “This activity has helped teens realize their parents can be a safe space and they can listen to their thoughts without criticizing or giving their opinions first. And for parents, it has helped them realize their kids do hear what they’re saying,” Paola noted. “I also encourage families to find times to talk about opinions with children, like after a movie asking what did you think about that character or what did you think when that happened and letting them explain their point of view,” Paola said.
As caregivers, we know kids need a lot of guidance. But it can be easy for us to give our thoughts or opinions first instead of listening, hearing what our child is saying, and asking if they want to vent or want our help. “Many adults know the feeling of trying to talk about something and the other person tries to fix it and you end up saying, I just need a listening ear! Teens often feel the same way,” Paola shared. Does that mean caregivers shouldn’t give advice? No. Kids still need advice, but sometimes they do know what to do and they want someone to listen. Or they need you to listen first and let them talk through their thoughts, and then give advice after.
Finding time to talk can feel like it takes a huge amount of effort. But you can create connection in a few minutes through communication at times like picking your child up from school, at dinner, at bedtime, in the car, after a movie, etc.
Suicide impacts people of all ages; at Lena Pope we’ve seen clients as young as four describe to us thoughts of harming themselves. Suicide is a scary reality, but there is help available. Here are some things to watch for and more information on how to help someone.
- Pay attention and notice changes in behavior
- Ask directly if they are considering suicide
- Listen without judgement or trying to fix the situation
- Identify a next step like calling the 988 Lifeline or seeing a therapist
- Continue to check in on how they are doing