Last year, our therapists heard a lot of teens saying they are feeling increased pressure academically and saw many experiencing anxiety and depression related to their academics. To help you and the students in your life get ready for the new school year, we talked with Lena Pope Family Therapist, Teresa Vasquez, LMFT, to share her insight about how to support teens. Most important: remind them you are on the same team.
While schools do a great job focusing on academics – the curriculum doesn’t always include lessons in handling stress, emotion regulation, or even time management. Layer on athletics or other extracurricular activities, including the responsibility of a part-time job or unrealistic expectations created by social media, and the strain can quickly grow difficult to manage. Learning how to juggle it all takes time and empathy from the adults in a teen’s life. “Teens are very self-sufficient, but it can take a toll on their mental health when they are trying to be independent but don’t have all the tools they need to be successful,” shared Teresa. Start the year working together.
It’s rare that a parent or caregiver’s challenge to “get your grades up” toward the end of the year reaches the desired effect. Instead, consider helping your student early on with:
- Open communication. Make sure they know they can talk to you about what’s challenging them. Opening up takes courage, if they haven’t asked for support like this before.
- Organization and routine. Develop organization routines that allow them to balance socialization and relaxation with enough time to make regular progress on academic assignments.
- Building a schedule. Find out what to expect from this year’s classes. Sit down and build a schedule alongside your teen. Helping them develop time management skills is far more productive than you asking repeatedly “did you do it yet?” Plus, the more you know about the workload ahead of time, the easier it will be for you to empathize and help your child before important due dates or testing periods.
- Expectations. Going from middle to high school is a big shift. Talk about how this year school may be different; it might actually be a harder. Previously A and B students may find themselves struggling for the first time. They may not know how to ask for help or might feel embarrassed if they need more support.
In many ways, as a parent you are working yourself out of a job. Teaching your students organizational and time-management skills helps them manage their school responsibilities independently. Point out your teen’s strengths as much as you can. Teenagers often hear about the things they’re doing wrong, so telling them “You’re working really hard to get everything organized” can build their confidence.
Teach organizational skills.
Teens may resist the idea of creating a schedule to keep track of things. “I’ve had a lot of teens tell me they can keep track of everything in their head for school,” Teresa shared. But we know as adults that there’s a limit to how long that can work. Share with your teen that using an intentional organizational system can create more brain space for learning and have less stress from trying to remember it all! Countless tools exist online today to help with tracking assignments and schedules or even a paper planner to map things out!
Build in time for rest.
Some teens have said “as soon as I walk in the door, my parents are on me about cleaning, helping with my siblings, homework, etc.” Teresa reminds us to take a minute to think about how it feels when you walk in the door after a long day and you’re bombarded with questions. Give your teen some space to breathe – it could be 15-30 minutes. After that, help them get into their routine of homework, dinner, bathing, and resting. Kids can burn out when they don’t have time to play, relax, etc. just like adults. For some kids, homework right when they get home is the best idea; others may need some time to unwind before they start their homework.
Look at your kid as a whole: nutrition, sleep, mental health, and physical health.
You may need to create a new family rules requiring them to turn in their tech devices to you at the end of each night so they get to bed at an earlier time than they did over the summer. Teens are still growing so they need a lot of rest; you may need to make some adjustments to set everyone up for success. Change your perspective.“It is tough to be an adult and a parent, but don’t forget that it is also tough to be a teenager,” Teresa shared. It’s a different type of difficult to be a teenager than it is to be an adult.
Teens have mentioned they feel like they are minimized a lot.
They hear things from parents like “you only have school, why are you so stressed?” Be mindful that school IS a big deal to them. What they’re going through feels really big – and an adult’s tone and even your body language play a big part in creating a welcoming feeling or, on the flip side, minimizing the teen on the other end.
Remember – you’re on the same team. You want them to succeed, and they want to succeed. Find ways you can keep communication open and work as a team. Building in opportunities for conversation at mealtimes or in the car is a great way to stay tuned into what is going on with your teenager.