Power and vulnerability might appear to be opposites, but we know life is more often both instead of one or the other. For Men’s Health Month, we spoke with Paul Blankenship, MA, LPC, Lena Pope Family Therapist, about the importance of authentic male friendship and how to start building those relationships if they’re missing from your life.
“Friendship…is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” (C.S. Lewis)
Friendship, connection, and accountability are critical pieces of men’s (young and old) sense of fulfillment in life and relationships.
As a therapist, Paul shared, “I have the privilege of sitting with individuals finding their way out of dark places; out of relationships (individuals and/or substances) they never thought would take them as far, keep them as long, or cost them as much as they did. The relationship started innocently to find respite and perspective; to strengthen their grip on a life that is often confusing, painful, and highly demanding.”
Authentic Friendship
Paul suggests that, “as we manage the expectations associated with the various roles we fulfill, life often becomes too much. And since men are expected to be stoic or ‘da man’ they often just soldier on.” However, the lone ranger mentality can be detrimental to the quality-of-life men seek. Solid relationships provide an ideal counterbalance that tips the scale back in ones favor and are the perfect solution to offset chaotic experiences. Paul says, “Trusting, nurturing, and non-judgmental comrades in life steels the nerves and steadies the hand, allowing men to reenter the arena not just with bravado, but passion for excellence.” He further advises caution of any one thing presented as the solution to a problem. However, he emphasizes there is power in friendships to improve mental health. Anecdotally, and in his professional experience, friendships are exactly what men need and often what is lacking in finding fulfillment. Not just any friendship though; quality friendships are the key. Loyal, trusting, and stable relationships with others are ideal, but especially with other men that provide positive, ongoing support with a full measure of accountability.
Life will bring us hard moments, unwanted experiences, and unwanted emotions. As Paul puts it, “When life has us in a camel‑clutch hold, we need a counterattack.” But responding isn’t about escaping the struggle, it’s about shifting how we value it. What’s needed most are companions who stay with us through the uncertainty, not to fix our pain, but to hold space for it. When we nurture even a few of these connections, we’re better able to walk through trauma and loss with steady hearts. Paul reminds us that a Novocain shot for a toothache is sometimes wise, but when we consistently avoid discomfort and reach for the quickest relief, we miss life’s deeper lessons. Pain without presence becomes suffering. As Dr. Kelly Wilson beautifully observes, “When we turn away from suffering, we miss other things, rich and varied, that are inextricably linked to suffering. Value and vulnerabilities are poured from the same vessel.” Embracing discomfort and living with ambiguity isn’t failure, it’s a sign you’re learning what it means to live fully.
Men who are willing to be intentional about building healthy connections in their lifetime tend to navigate life more effectively and with far more enjoyment than men who do not have these resources. If you’re struggling, don’t underestimate the worth of a battle-tested friendship that can help remind you pain can have purpose and help guide you through the experience.
How to Create This Type of Friendship
First, shift your mindset from willfulness to willingness. Willfulness often looks like stubbornness and pride and says things like “I got this” or “I am good” when help is offered. Willingness is vulnerable and risk taking and says things like “Absolutely, I can use the help”. Willfulness keeps you stuck. Willingness aids recovery.
Second, know your values. What guides you when your feelings are not a reliable source for the next step? Values determine behavior. Paul cautions that if you don’t know your inner values, you will struggle to navigate difficult situations. Additionally, if your behavior doesn’t match your values, you will inevitably feel dissonant or out of sync.
He further recommends you examine your current relationships and ask: “Are they sharpening me or making me better? Do they share my core values? Are they challenging me to have a growth mindset or settle for mediocrity?”
Finally, seek out opportunities to be that person for others, especially for another young man who may not have a strong male influence in their life.
If your struggles feel overwhelming, be open to the possibility of sitting down with a professional therapist that can help explore the imbalances and areas of conflict in your life.
We hope Paul’s thoughts on male friendship encourage you and provide some next steps to build authentic friendships in your life.